Thinking

What amount of innocent puppies did I kill in a previous life to deserve an earache of this magnitude?
Also, isn't it against the laws of nature to get an earache past the age of 10??
Also, between death and earaches, I think earaches are probably more painful.

If You Want Some Awesome in Your Life (and a killer jingle!!)

Please watch this. Just. Please.

How To Cause Me Sadness

Nothing hurts my tender heart more than when someone doesn't get it when I am being funny or telling a joke. Like the other day when some friends and I were deciding where to go to dinner. Someone mentioned a restaurant and another person asked how far away it was. He said 10 minutes by car. I then asked how long it would take by unicycle - feeling that it was unfair to exclude all other types of transportation. After what I thought was a hilarious joke there was lots of confusion and what can only be described as mass hysteria. No one understood and they wanted clarification and that is when I died a little bit inside.

Better Than One of Those Prizes In The Cracker Jack Box Before They Got Lame, Probably Sometime Around 1947

I read this article and realized that I also know about the economy. Up to this point I have mostly been selfish and kept my knowledge to myself, but all that is going to change. 

I have discovered a new economic indicator which is largely ignored by experts. I can tell where the economy is headed by how many free magazines I happen to score at the gym. The formula is complicated and you probably won't understand but here it is anyways: (If your brain starts to hurt don't say I didn't warn you)

Scenario 1: Good Economy

Many magazines scored for free by me =

Not afraid to spend a few bucks on US Weekly =
(and while you're at it throw in a Star & Enquire, so each celebrity scandal can be properly fact checked!)

Lets go to the rodeo people cause the markets are Bullish! (Woohoo! Confetti! Celebration!)



Scenario 2: Bad Economy

Few magazines =
Causing me to have to go to the internets for my celebrity gossip, which may cause me to develop carpal tunnel and die a lonely horrible death. (if this doesn't make sense please see the above warning)

No matter how badly I want to know about what is going on with Brad and Angelina or who wore it best, I am not gonna buy my People mag when I am spending every blessed cent on rent or groceries =

Start investing your money at the bank of "under the mattress" cause
The market is Bear-(ful?)

P.S. I know about the bear and bull thing because I have played many games of Pit.

Believe it or not I don't even have a degree in economics!
Also, this knowledge will probably change your life. You can thank me later or now by naming your first born child after me - (if they are already born and you worry that said child has become attached to their current name please rest assured that babies and children barely notice this and will be more happier and successful in the long term)

Life Lessons

I have decided that I should have insomnia more often because then I could catch up on all the important things that might otherwise be neglected such as: painting my nails a garish shade of pink or watching 10 episodes of the bachelorette in succession (which is - I'm not making this up - even more thrilling at 3am)

How To Propery & Accurately Judge A Person Based on Their Appearance

Judging a person based upon their appearance is not okay. There may be some exceptions to this rule though and one of those is when a person is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and/or accessory of any kind. I make a point to stay far away from Ed Hardy enthusiasts and recommend that you do the same.
I realize that for writing this I am probably going to fall madly in love with some guy who refuses to wear anything but Ed Hardy apparel. If he looks like this guy though, maybe I would feel differently.... Hard to say.

I am wearing these glasses because otherwise my eyes would render you helpless with their steely gaze

Thinking

I got a wicked bad paper cut today. It hurt with such intensity that the pain drove me to cry out "Oh buddy!" which is what I say when I am in pain apparently. It made me realize that I am very lucky that I don't have a job repossessing cars or cage fighting cause I don't think I would get much respect from my peers.

Things I like

The tracks made on carpet by vacuum machines. When I didn't own a vacuum for longer than I feel good about telling people, I would sometimes try to make my carpet look cleaner by dragging my foot across the floor. Let me just tell you it was not the same. I must have the authentic thing by gosh - what can I say I am just classy like that.

Monday, Monday

I hate getting back from vacations to the lake because I find I am completely unprepared to return to a life in which hanging out all day in my swimsuit, having impromptu dance parties whenever I feel they are needed, and eating otter pops for every meal is looked upon as unconventional. Life is officially not fair.

What? Moi?

People tell me a lot that I am like a ray of sunshine. If I had a hundred bucks (dollars not male dear) for every time I heard this I would be $0 richer, because they don't actually tell me this. No one has ever told me this. Ever. I am pretty sure people think it a lot though, but you know how people are - they can so shy! It's so nice of them to think it though.

Ways In Which I am Going Green

It is all the rage to 'Go Green' these days, people want to do their part to save the environment and I am no different. I have made a list of the ways in which I will be going green.

Way #1
Using tree bark in place of toilet paper, post-it notes, paper towels, feminine hygeine products and plastic cutlery

Way #2
Only washing clothes when they are really dirty. If I haven't been mud wrestling or hanging out in a sweat lodge for extended periods, I will just re-wear!

Way #3
I will be making my own gasoline using discarded aluminum cans and used twisty ties. Science has not proven this can be done yet, but I am confident that with the proper go-getter attitude this is possible!

Way #4
I will harness the energy of Justin Beiber's popularity among the pre-teen set to power my electronics

Way #5
I will install a fire pit in my living room for cooking and lighting purposes (and to add to the overall aesthetic)

Way #6
To shrink my carbon footprint, I will do the equivalent of the ancient Chinese tradition of foot binding to, said carbon footprint, by not showing. Although this may hinder my relationships, with - friends, family, cashiers at grocery stores, etc. I am all about taking one for the team!

Who cares. No big deal. I want moooooore

I can sing all the words to any Little Mermaid song like a champ! Impressed? Don't be. Those lyrics are taking precious brain space that could be used for ..... Sports trivia! How many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop! Movie quotes! The history of ketchup! You know, important stuff.

If you don't have it you're never gonna get it.....Oh YES you will!

Sometimes I need something awesome to get me through the day. This is it.

Important information that you must read for everything else to make sense

My older sister, who is older than me in years but not traffic tickets, is totally awesome. Hereafter she shall be referred to as her Highness (notice the capitalization) Istymay the brave and kind and good-looking.

When I Am Fascist Dictator

When I am fascist dictator first order of business: Get rid of all the speed bumps & get myself some sort of device, wherein traffic lights are always green for me! Muahahahahah!(Or drive an ambulance)
Second order of business: Create propaganda against shoe & pants wearing (shorts and flip flops are OK) to be distributed to the masses
Third Order of Business: Make my subjects build me a ginormous pyramid structure (with high speed internet access) to keep me well situated in the afterlife
Fourth Order of Business: I haven't really gotten this far......