Crazy in da' head

The crazy lady at work is no longer content just giving me hugs. Nope - now she thinks she can kiss me too and tell me she loves me - no lie! Why does she think that this is okay!? Nothing will stop her either - I mean last time I was in the middle of eating a sandwich for lunch with my eyes glued to my computer screen - but still she was not deterred! The worst part is, the whole office thinks it is hilarious, and she only does this to me! It is real hard to keep a straight face when she heads in my direction and everyone is giving me the 'You Know You Are Gonna Burst Out In A Fit of Laughter Face' which is very, very hard for me to remain sincere and nice-seeming through.

Venting

Why did someone steal my cell phone - for the love! I mean it is old, and beat up and I want my dang numbers! Also - why take my car key!? Why!? Is it really fair for this to happen so soon after my iPod catastrophe?? Not to mention my premature car battery death and expensive brake replacement job? And my achilles injury and getting two cavities, which cost money to get all fixed up? Also, when did diesel fuel get more expensive than the regular kind? Not fair! And I think I got a photo-radar ticket! Grrrr - I feel that life is laughing at me - but it's NOT funny life!? Go pick on someone else! Pretty pleeeeeeease?

Thinking

The movie 'Red Dawn' is quite possibly the worst movie ever.

How to Amuse Me

Wear a kilt out in public.

Things I Know

My bed is more comfortable than a $2 blow-up pool raft.

Wondering

When will I be able to buy goods and services with Monopoly money?

Wondering

Should I use my dead iPod as a drink coaster or maybe a paperweight? I really feel I should put it to some good use since it cost me a GAJILLION DOLLARS!!!!

How to Amuse Me

Get your panties all in a bundle, when the vending machine doesn't work right.

All In a Day's Work

Here is a typical email conversation between me and J:
K: I was just wondering.......what would you do for a Klondike
bar?
J: Almost anything
K: I believe it! Would you traverse the seven seas in a wheelbarrow?
J: What seven seas would you be speaking about???
K: I really think that's besides the point.
J: Don't you cop an attitude with me young lady
K: I just think we're getting away from the real issue here.
J: Well then I'm ready to go no matter the seven seas.
K: I am glad to hear that your dedication for getting a Klondike bar is
not hampered by large bodies of water.
J: Exactly, I am committed.

How to Charm Me

Tell me my abstract art is good. I know it's not, but seriously I was kind of convinced.

How to Annoy Me

Talk about your pet as if it were a child. I don't care about it's lineage or it's cute hi-jinks or whether it is working on the cure for cancer. Also, I don't want to pet your smelly beast or hold it or send it a singing telegram. And now according to some people I have no soul.

Wondering

If there is some sort of addictive substance in peanut butter, like.......crack cocaine? Because seriously I can't seem to get enough of the stuff.

Thinking

That what the world needs not is not so much love, but a big vat of strawberry Jell-O.

Thinking

That today would be a better day if I hadn't accidentally ruined my iPod. By dropping it. In a toilet. A PUBLIC restroom toilet.
This is the same iPod that I referred to as 'The Precious'. The same iPod that I looked at & caressed lovingly on a daily basis. The same iPod that I sold my future first-born child for. Okay this is all mostly untrue, but in essence I cared about my iPod deeply and will not have the funds to buy another one anytime soon. Why does everything I love leave me!?

How to Charm Me

Refer to my skin as being 'porcelain' not 'florescent' or 'pasty'

Listening

So I'm not a big country music fan in general, but I can't seem to get enough of Taylor Swift these days. Which is funny since I remember when her music first came out I considered it highly lame. Anyways slowly her songs grew on me and I decided that I would buy her album. Since that day I want to listen to it over and over. One song in particular "Stay Beautiful" gets played umpteen times by me. I'm pretty sure one morning in the near future I will wake up and realize that I have overdosed and can never listen to another of her songs again, but for now my love is strong.

Thinking

I would rather have mad cow disease than fat cow disease.

Wondering

When my laundry will start doing itself......

How to Charm Me

Love (or convincingly pretend to love) the new music I have downloaded and made you listen to.

Thinking

I would have no problem eating cereal for every single meal.

Wondering

Does the fact that seeing the really nice lady at work (who will not let me pass without giving her a hug) make me want to run away like I'm being chased by a pack of wild dogs, make me a bad person?

Feeling Guilty

About my avoidance tactic of not calling guys (the ones I am NOT interested in) back when they call to ask me on a date. It makes for some hard-core awkwardness the next time I see them (and I ALWAYS do), but maybe less than there would be if I told them no straight up right?

How to Amuse Me

Drive around for several minutes in your quest to find the closest parking spot......when you are going to THE GYM!?!?

Thinking

I want my own garden. BAD.

Thinking

If I were the dish I would run away with the spoon too.

Thinking

Life doesn't get any better than chillin' at my house with Russ, painting abstract art and listening to some sweet jams while eating home-made pizza (with wheat crust!!!), and taking periodic brakes to watch the season finale of the Bachelorette.

Feeling Guilty

About my intense love for salt.

How to Amuse Me (not in a good way)

Dress up in medieval garb for your trip to the Renaissance Festival.

How to Charm Me

Get all excited about the new mix CD I have lovingly created for you.

What's in a Name?

Okay so this is kind of random but I was thinking today that there are several perfectly good names that will forever be tainted because I associate them with people who scared/annoyed/angered me in some way. I realize that there are many great people who posses these names, some of whom I know personally and think are great, but the association lives on. Here are some of those names......

Patrick - This name belonged to that kid who would stalk my sister and I at every dance (mostly my poor sister). When we saw him coming we would book it the bathroom (and sometimes spend a good portion of the night there).
Nicole - She was my nemeses in kindergarten. Loud, obnoxious and always the teacher's pet. It was the last straw when her ocean painting (which was obviously inferior to mine with its subtle shading and strong use of color) won the blue ribbon in the school art contest, and mine only won a red ribbon.
Ira - Another annoying kid I knew growing up. Our families always went on trips together & I became really good at avoiding him. Seriously though I don't think the name has any redeeming qualities either -it should just be retired.
Jennifer - I have know several annoying Jennifer's.......they seem to fit a particular mold loud, obnoxious, look-at-me types.....I just don't do well with this type in general.
Kyle - Loud, obnoxious and thought he possesed maximum coolness.
Monica - Spoiled brat second cousin that was always bossing us around. We were told we must be nice & include her in our fun but it was hard oh so hard!
Dwight - Jerkish tuff guy wrestler type. Also had a unibrow.
Jake - I haven't know anyone I really intensely disliked with this name, but for some reason it conjures up a soft, greasy-looking guy.

This post probably cements me as kind of a mean horrible person. Really there are lots of good people with the names all I am saying is they are tainted.....

How to Charm Me

Don't be afraid to admit that you enjoy listening to Stevie Wonder.

Wondering

When will I realize that waiting for my food to cool to a reasonable temperature before eating it, is always a good idea?

How to Annoy Me

Show up (late) for our date, wearing camouflage cargo pants, hiking boots, a dirty-looking t-shirt and baseball cap that does not match in any way. We are going to a movie - not camping in the desert!

Things I Know

You can totally score a free lunch at Costco in the form of samples! Also, you can burn your mouth real bad on that chimichanga sample.

Thinking

I have suspected for a long time that I am short waisted - but wouldn't that mean I have long legs? My legs seem to be short too though AND my neck. Is this possible? I am average height so I think we can rule out me being a midget......
What's the deal!?

How to Annoy Me

Have a vanity plate that is impossible for anyone who is not your best friend or mother to decipher. I don't like feeling like the lame kid who never gets to be a part of your little 'inside joke'. I also don't like not being able to sleep at night cause I am still trying to figure out the meaning of some arbitrary combination of numbers and letters. Stop the madness!

Wondering

Do the new Olympic uniforms look really gay or is it just me?

Wondering

Why do people have Rolex watches? Why do people have watches at all?

Things I Know

If I had discretionary income I would not use it to buy a fancy pen. Some people would though and this is as baffling to me as someone going willingly to a NASCAR event or watching MASH reruns.

Wondering

Can you be a hypochondriac about being a hypochondriac?

Things I Know

Eating too much shredded wheat CAN make you sick.

Things I Know

The Circus really is geared towards a younger audience, just in case you were wondering.

Things I Know

Post-it notes are a good invention. They make my neurotic list writing so much more convenient!

Thinking

Vin Diesel is not cute. Neither is Nicholas Cage. Some people say they are and I am just setting the record straight. Matt Damon & Christian Bale however, VERY good-looking.

How to Annoy Me

When you take me on a date to a Turkish restaurant, spend a good portion of the night chatting up the waitress AND the belly dancer girl. Seriously?

How to Annoy Me

It wouldn't take much today.

How to Annoy Me

Get all defensive and claim that wrestling is hands-down the most physically demanding sport ever played by man, when I mention that the uniforms are gross and should be outlawed.

Thinking

If the price of organic, sprouted whole grain products keep going up, there's bound to be an uprising.

Thinking

I wish we still had milkmen - heaven knows we could use them. I mean - should I be expected to go to the store and pick up my own milk!?!?
I also wish my milkman would bring other things like my complete grocery list and shampoo when I ran out, not to mention light bulbs, batteries and the occasional Domino's pizza.
Show me this milkman and I will show you my new best friend.

How to Annoy Me

Make it impossible for me to open up my gum with all your darn plastic wrapping! This is Ice Breakers peppermint cubes people, not hard drugs!

Hello crazy!

This whole day (not to mention yesterday and the day before) I have felt like a person who has been awaken from deep REM sleep by a big banging noise and then asked to name off the periodical table of the elements verbatim, in the middle of the night with a flashlight glaring in their eyes. In short - I feel all out of sorts and discombobulated - like I am not quite awake on some level (or three). The problem is I still have to do stuff.......like drive my car and work and interact with people without sounding like I ate lots of paint chips as a child. When someone asks me a question I find myself wanting to just stare at them wide-eyed like they are speaking some sort of ancient dialect, and then yawn and start twirling myself really fast in my swivel chair. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I am not "at my best" under sleep deprived conditions. I am definitely not cut out to be an astronaut (or early morning baker person). I wonder how many days of sleep deprivation it would take for me to become certifiably insane? I'm guessing 6........

Thinking

Indeed is a great word. I think it is definitely underused. Indeed it is.

Wondering

Where in the world IS Carmen SanDiego?

Thinking

Sometimes I look back at times where I was felt convinced I was fully awake and realized that I was NOT in fact completely so. Most of the time that is okay, except for the times when I happened to be driving........

Thinking

What I need is a good pair of wrap-around shades. Not only will they protect the delicate eye organs, but they will also give me a unique style that hasn't been seen since the early 90's.

Feeling Guilty

About lying to my dentist that I always floss daily.

Things That Scare Me

Cats
Clowns
Black Widows
Cockroaches
Canned fruit cocktail

Thinking

I shudder to think of what would happen to me if I had to live without chapstick for any extended period of time.

Thinking

If I had an eye patch you better believe it would be large and colorfully embroidered.

Thinking

I always suspected that I wasn't interested in watching golf, but now I know for sure.

Thinking

I don't really think they can go much further with razor technology.

How to Annoy Me

Make me wait until Tuesday for a haircut. These split ends aren't getting any un-splittier!

Things I Know

You can waste a lot of time on Facebook.

Wondering

Swimsuit shopping or Chinese water torture? Hmmmm - I may have to sleep on this one.

How to Annoy Me

Make fun of me for getting injured playing Ultimate Frisbee. The pain is real people!

Hoping

That when I get old that I won't suddenly decided that yes, it IS cool to dye my hair in varying shades of pastel. I am fairly confident that hair was not meant to look like your common carnival-grade cotton candy. I don't judge - but if I do start to go down this road, I hope someone shaves my head because, really?? I have lost my privileges.

How to Annoy Me

Decide that instead of the black & white, three-quarter page ad you had initially chosen, you would like a full page, color ad instead, ON THE DEADLINE DAY!!!! And then get mad that I couldn't read your mind and THEN don't even say thank you when I put it together for you and make your dang deadline!!!!!!!

Wondering

Did I really need to watch reruns of The Bachelor until 3am? I think we can all agree that I did.

How to Annoy Me

Bring your golf clubs to work and practice your swing for like ten straight hours right behind my head. Not cool dude. Not cool.

Thinking

Traffic lights are really cramping my style.

Thinking

People should just relax and be happy. But if you tell me this when I am in a real bad mood, so help me I'll punch you in the face.