Thinking

What amount of innocent puppies did I kill in a previous life to deserve an earache of this magnitude?
Also, isn't it against the laws of nature to get an earache past the age of 10??
Also, between death and earaches, I think earaches are probably more painful.

If You Want Some Awesome in Your Life (and a killer jingle!!)

Please watch this. Just. Please.

How To Cause Me Sadness

Nothing hurts my tender heart more than when someone doesn't get it when I am being funny or telling a joke. Like the other day when some friends and I were deciding where to go to dinner. Someone mentioned a restaurant and another person asked how far away it was. He said 10 minutes by car. I then asked how long it would take by unicycle - feeling that it was unfair to exclude all other types of transportation. After what I thought was a hilarious joke there was lots of confusion and what can only be described as mass hysteria. No one understood and they wanted clarification and that is when I died a little bit inside.

Better Than One of Those Prizes In The Cracker Jack Box Before They Got Lame, Probably Sometime Around 1947

I read this article and realized that I also know about the economy. Up to this point I have mostly been selfish and kept my knowledge to myself, but all that is going to change. 

I have discovered a new economic indicator which is largely ignored by experts. I can tell where the economy is headed by how many free magazines I happen to score at the gym. The formula is complicated and you probably won't understand but here it is anyways: (If your brain starts to hurt don't say I didn't warn you)

Scenario 1: Good Economy

Many magazines scored for free by me =

Not afraid to spend a few bucks on US Weekly =
(and while you're at it throw in a Star & Enquire, so each celebrity scandal can be properly fact checked!)

Lets go to the rodeo people cause the markets are Bullish! (Woohoo! Confetti! Celebration!)



Scenario 2: Bad Economy

Few magazines =
Causing me to have to go to the internets for my celebrity gossip, which may cause me to develop carpal tunnel and die a lonely horrible death. (if this doesn't make sense please see the above warning)

No matter how badly I want to know about what is going on with Brad and Angelina or who wore it best, I am not gonna buy my People mag when I am spending every blessed cent on rent or groceries =

Start investing your money at the bank of "under the mattress" cause
The market is Bear-(ful?)

P.S. I know about the bear and bull thing because I have played many games of Pit.

Believe it or not I don't even have a degree in economics!
Also, this knowledge will probably change your life. You can thank me later or now by naming your first born child after me - (if they are already born and you worry that said child has become attached to their current name please rest assured that babies and children barely notice this and will be more happier and successful in the long term)

Life Lessons

I have decided that I should have insomnia more often because then I could catch up on all the important things that might otherwise be neglected such as: painting my nails a garish shade of pink or watching 10 episodes of the bachelorette in succession (which is - I'm not making this up - even more thrilling at 3am)

How To Propery & Accurately Judge A Person Based on Their Appearance

Judging a person based upon their appearance is not okay. There may be some exceptions to this rule though and one of those is when a person is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and/or accessory of any kind. I make a point to stay far away from Ed Hardy enthusiasts and recommend that you do the same.
I realize that for writing this I am probably going to fall madly in love with some guy who refuses to wear anything but Ed Hardy apparel. If he looks like this guy though, maybe I would feel differently.... Hard to say.

I am wearing these glasses because otherwise my eyes would render you helpless with their steely gaze