Thinking

I got a wicked bad paper cut today. It hurt with such intensity that the pain drove me to cry out "Oh buddy!" which is what I say when I am in pain apparently. It made me realize that I am very lucky that I don't have a job repossessing cars or cage fighting cause I don't think I would get much respect from my peers.

Things I like

The tracks made on carpet by vacuum machines. When I didn't own a vacuum for longer than I feel good about telling people, I would sometimes try to make my carpet look cleaner by dragging my foot across the floor. Let me just tell you it was not the same. I must have the authentic thing by gosh - what can I say I am just classy like that.

Monday, Monday

I hate getting back from vacations to the lake because I find I am completely unprepared to return to a life in which hanging out all day in my swimsuit, having impromptu dance parties whenever I feel they are needed, and eating otter pops for every meal is looked upon as unconventional. Life is officially not fair.

What? Moi?

People tell me a lot that I am like a ray of sunshine. If I had a hundred bucks (dollars not male dear) for every time I heard this I would be $0 richer, because they don't actually tell me this. No one has ever told me this. Ever. I am pretty sure people think it a lot though, but you know how people are - they can so shy! It's so nice of them to think it though.

Ways In Which I am Going Green

It is all the rage to 'Go Green' these days, people want to do their part to save the environment and I am no different. I have made a list of the ways in which I will be going green.

Way #1
Using tree bark in place of toilet paper, post-it notes, paper towels, feminine hygeine products and plastic cutlery

Way #2
Only washing clothes when they are really dirty. If I haven't been mud wrestling or hanging out in a sweat lodge for extended periods, I will just re-wear!

Way #3
I will be making my own gasoline using discarded aluminum cans and used twisty ties. Science has not proven this can be done yet, but I am confident that with the proper go-getter attitude this is possible!

Way #4
I will harness the energy of Justin Beiber's popularity among the pre-teen set to power my electronics

Way #5
I will install a fire pit in my living room for cooking and lighting purposes (and to add to the overall aesthetic)

Way #6
To shrink my carbon footprint, I will do the equivalent of the ancient Chinese tradition of foot binding to, said carbon footprint, by not showing. Although this may hinder my relationships, with - friends, family, cashiers at grocery stores, etc. I am all about taking one for the team!

Who cares. No big deal. I want moooooore

I can sing all the words to any Little Mermaid song like a champ! Impressed? Don't be. Those lyrics are taking precious brain space that could be used for ..... Sports trivia! How many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop! Movie quotes! The history of ketchup! You know, important stuff.

If you don't have it you're never gonna get it.....Oh YES you will!

Sometimes I need something awesome to get me through the day. This is it.

Important information that you must read for everything else to make sense

My older sister, who is older than me in years but not traffic tickets, is totally awesome. Hereafter she shall be referred to as her Highness (notice the capitalization) Istymay the brave and kind and good-looking.

When I Am Fascist Dictator

When I am fascist dictator first order of business: Get rid of all the speed bumps & get myself some sort of device, wherein traffic lights are always green for me! Muahahahahah!(Or drive an ambulance)
Second order of business: Create propaganda against shoe & pants wearing (shorts and flip flops are OK) to be distributed to the masses
Third Order of Business: Make my subjects build me a ginormous pyramid structure (with high speed internet access) to keep me well situated in the afterlife
Fourth Order of Business: I haven't really gotten this far......

My Most Bravest Moment

I hate snakes. All good people do. Once I had a dream where I was being eaten by a giant snake. They were playing the movie Anaconda and I happened to see a few commercials, shortly thereafter I woke up sweaty and maybe crying, to find my blanket twisted up and wrapped around me in a snake-like fashion. It was awful, maybe as awful as the time I dreamed my bunk bed was a prison and almost jumped over the railing in my sleep.

Lets just say that if snakes were people they would be Marilyn Manson or possibly the kid snatching candy man from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Bang (who still frightens me to this day).

Anyways, my brother "Ussellray" has snakes. As pets!! He names them, is not afraid to touch them and feeds them rodents (which sometimes he buys frozen and keeps in the freezer with people food, which is wrong)!! It was not a happy day when one of his snake pets, out of sheer evilness, got out of its cage and terrorized us over the next couple weeks. No one could catch it, and after awhile everyone sort of forgot about it, thinking it was probably long gone into the wilderness by then. I secretly hoped it was dead of starvation from no frozen mice at regular intervals (FYI - snakes are like cockroaches and don't die of natural causes like starvation or dehydration, like normal living things).

Around this time, I woke up in the middle of the night and stumbled to the bathroom. I opened the door, turned on the light and there looking at me, like it had been caught, was the snake. We sat there looking at each other for awhile. I didn't move. It didn't move. I was too fresh from sleep to do anything like run or scream (let's just say I have might be compared to a sloth when I have just woken up). Secretly, I was hoping it would slither away so I could forget I had seen it - then I would just make a point to wear snake repellent or not visit my parents house for a year or so. Suddenly though something weird came over me. I don't know what the motivation was - the triumph of courage over fear? Stupidity? A sudden realization the snake was relatively small and un-poisonous? The desire to be the hero and bring peace of mind and liberation to all the women in the house?? Whatever the case I suddenly snapped to alertness and decided I would catch the (*swearword*) snake. Miraculously, I did catch it. I don't remember the details, but afterward, shaking like a leaf, I woke my brother up and handed him his stupid snake. It was epic. My personal Rocky-esque moment of triumph. I think I could even hear a faint strain of 'The Eye of The Tiger' playing in the background.

What I Want For My Birthday

To build a forts all day, have a picnic and not have to wear shoes or socks even once.

What Makes Me Awesome

....Is that I do not have sleep apnea! I would be less awesome as a person with sleep apnea. Firstly because it causes you to sometimes stop breathing as you sleep and I find I am better breathing than not. Secondly, sleep apnea would make me afraid to sleep and I am way better with sleep than without (and break fewer traffic laws). Thirdly, I just SAY so and don't question my authority!

Nuthin'

I have never been impressed by race car drivers (except maybe the time when I was learning how to drive a stick shift and I stalled my car every 4 minutes). I just think it's not very impressive to drive a car fast, I mean I do that every day (unless a police officer is reading this and then I never drive fast ever, ever).
What I do think would be impressive is:
A. A monkey driving a race car
or
B. Driving a race car using only your knees and texting on your cell phone at the same time.

Musings

I just saw a banner ad that asked me if I ever dream of having my own pool. Nope, never dreamed of that. Unleeeeess it was one of those dreams that I can't remember. So the answer is maybe, maybe I have but probably not. But tonight could be the night!

What I Read

Flowers for Algernon - About a mentally handicapped man who becomes brilliant after an experimental operation. I liked the premise of the story and don't get me wrong it was good, but not amazing. It made you think and gave helped you see things from a different viewpoint but something was missing. I didn't like the end or what the main character gleaned from his experience. It wasn't the uplifting book I feel like it should have been.